Once upon a time there was a farm, and on the farm were some
turkeys. They lived in a great big barn. It was a warm and cosy barn, and the turkeys were
looked after well.
One day a young turkey, whose name was Tommy, was waddling about and
making those odd noises that turkeys make that sound a bit like the juices of the stomach
of a rather large animal rearranging themselves. He was fairly contented. He'd just
stuffed himself with grain and felt like stretching his legs. He decided to go outside and
waddle about a bit in the open air. There was a sort of enclosed run outside, which
allowed the birds to mill about in the air and be safe from foxes and other predators
which might infringe their liberties. Although far too small to allow all the turkeys out
of the barn at once, it did allow the farmer to call his birds "Free range". In
fact most did not go out at all for they felt far more secure in the barn.
"Hello Tommy", said Tina, a friend of his who liked going out
in the open air, "How are you today?"
"Oh, fine thanks, Tina, and yourself?"
"Well, pretty good all round, I must say."
"Are you out here for a stroll, Tina?" enquired Tommy.
"Yes indeed" replied Tina.
"Well fancy that, so am I!"
"Goodness me Tommy, so great minds think alike after all!"
And they both made that vaguely impolite, sort of water-down-a-plughole noise.
"I say, Tina, how would it be if you accompanied me on my
walk?"
"Well I don't mind if I do Tommy, don't mind if I do."
So they both set off for the far fence. Usually, when they reached it
there didn't seem a lot else to do but turn round and go back, but this time they
lingered.
"Tina" mused Tommy, in a far away sort of voice, "Do you
ever wonder what's beyond the fence?"
"Oh, Tommy, you dreamer." Tina smiled at Tommy (as much as is
possible when you've only got a beak), "I mean, you may as well ask if there's life
after Christmas."
"No, really Tina, there must be something beyond the fence. Where
does the farmer live?"
"Well I'm sure there's an answer, but its beyond me. Perhaps Aunty
Trish knows, she's been around a bit. Let's go in now."
So the two young turkeys returned to their quarters and Tommy made a
mental note to ask Trish about Beyond-The-Fence next time he met her.
Inside the barn there was a commotion going on. Everyone was very
amused. A group of turkeys was standing in one corner, looking sheepish (no mean feat
since they'd never seen a sheep).
An old turkey cackled, "Must've eaten some grain that had started
to ferment."
Another, who wasn't so amused, said, "Well, its disgusting if you
ask me. The thought of it. It... well its... its just plain wrong. Shouldn't be
allowed."
Tommy waddled over as fast as his short fat feathery legs would carry
him. "What's going on?"
"Oh," said a bystander, "this silly lot have announced
that the've formed an escape committee. It seems they think that they can escape from
Christmas! Har har!" His laugh had a slightly hollow ring.
"What a good idea", thought Tommy. He decided to wait until
the hullabaloo died down, and then find out more.
Later that day he mentioned his plan to Tina.
"Oh, they're loopy, or trouble makers, or both. Don't have
anything to do with them."
"How do you know, Tina?"
"Everyone says so"
"Have you spoken to them?"
"No, I've got better things to do with my time. It seems to me
that they're just scared of Christmas."
"Aren't you?"
" ...no, of course not. Its part of life. Its quite natural."
"You sound a bit afraid."
"Well, naturally the process of reaching the state of Christmas
worries me, I don't want it to be painful or messy, but Christmas itself holds no fear for
me."
"You mean you want to reach Christmas with dignity?"
"Yes, exactly"
"Well I don't bloody well want to reach it all"
"Chicken"
"Cluck bleedin' cluck"
"I think you need some Christmas counselling"
"Christmas what?"
"Christmas counselling. I learnt about it on my consciousness
raising course. We live in such a Christmas denying society that people need counselling
to come to terms that they're going to have to face Christmas one day. In the old days,
before centrally heated barns and so on, Christmas was part of daily life. Christmas came
and the farmer would just walk amongst the turkeys, pick out the big fat juicy ones, grab
them by the neck, and one by one twist their heads round until there was a snapping sound,
and then pluck gut and truss the turkeys there and then."
"Er..." Tommy whispered, "and that was good?"
"Well at least we all knew what was happening, even the little
ones, and we could come to terms with it. Much healthier. And of course the souls of the
turkeys went to a far better place. If you believe in that sort of thing."
Tommy was silent.
"Listen," said Tina, "I could arrange for you to have a
course of Christmas counselling, if you like. Aunty Trish does it."
Tommy thought. He wanted to talk to Aunty Trish. "OK then, you
arrange it and I'll go along."
But that night, when all were asleep, he tracked down one of the turkeys everyone had been laughing at, and joined the escape committee.
From: Garret Smyth <100030.254@compuserve.com>
SG Smyth 9.12.92